PIRATES OF THE PRODUCE AISLE
By Lewis Drew Taylor
Fade in to a close up shot of Breadbeard’s belt. The camera begins to pan upwards.
BREADBEARD
Argh since I was a wee nipper I’ve been searchin’ for me treasure
I can feel it’s close, I feel it a tinglin’ in me beard.
The camera has now panned up to his face. Breadbeard is scowling at the camera and looking around.
BREADBEARD (CONT’D)
My name is Capn’ Beardbeard, and along with me crew we are ‘The Pirates of the Produce Aisle!’
As Beardbeard speaks the last part of his line the camera quickly zooms out to reveal the boat in the middle of the produce aisle.
Patches turns around form the crow’s nest with a telescope in hand.
PATCHES
Aye Capn’ I’ve spotted it…the treasure!
Breadbeard looks upward with determination as he leaps up to the crow’s nest. He smacks patches out of the way as Breadbeard grabs the telescope as it is spinning in mid air, whilst this is happening patches has fallen to the ship’s deck below.
Breadbeard peers down the telescope. We see a 1st person view of the telescope focusing in on the box of ‘Petey’s Golden Treasure Breakfast Cereal’.
Breadbeard looks excited. He then jumps from the crow’s nest and stands proudly with his hands on his hips.
BREADBEARD
Mr Walker put down that zucchini! Patches set the sail!
Patches salutes gleefully.
PATCHES
Aye, aye Capn’!
A close up shot of the sail setting, we see the design of a skull with a pint of beer saying “GOT GROG?”
Breadbeard stands proudly at the front of the ship with his sword pointed forwards.
BREADBEARD
Yargh boys! Getting ready for our greatest adventure yet! FORWAAARD!!!
Quick cut to a long shot of the ship struggling to move whilst being paddled by ores.
Medium shot of Breadbeard looking agitated.
BREADBEARD
Mr Walker did ya think about maybe using…the thrusters?
Walker leaning on the back of the ship looking rather bored.
WALKER
Uhhh…(sigh)
Walker pulls out his handgun and fires.
The bullet hits the fire extinguishers attached to the back of the ship. The ship then blasts forwards.
The crew grabs the nearest object to them to stop themselves from falling over.
The boat swings round the corner and begins to speed down the next aisle.
Patches holding onto the mast of the ship points forward.
PATCHES
Capn’ it’s Craig from dairy!
The camera zooms towards Craig who is working next to the shelves.
BREADBEARD
Craig move ya arse!
Craig jumps out of the way just in time as the boat speeds past him.
WALKER
Captain, I believe we are approaching the target.
Breadbeard smiles in satisfaction.
An old lady begins to shuffle into the way of the ship.
Patches spots her.
PATCHES
Capn’ Senior Citizen dead ahead!
Breadbeard forces his way into the shot and grabs Patches by the face.
By Lewis Drew Taylor
Fade in to a close up shot of Breadbeard’s belt. The camera begins to pan upwards.
BREADBEARD
Argh since I was a wee nipper I’ve been searchin’ for me treasure
I can feel it’s close, I feel it a tinglin’ in me beard.
The camera has now panned up to his face. Breadbeard is scowling at the camera and looking around.
BREADBEARD (CONT’D)
My name is Capn’ Beardbeard, and along with me crew we are ‘The Pirates of the Produce Aisle!’
As Beardbeard speaks the last part of his line the camera quickly zooms out to reveal the boat in the middle of the produce aisle.
Patches turns around form the crow’s nest with a telescope in hand.
PATCHES
Aye Capn’ I’ve spotted it…the treasure!
Breadbeard looks upward with determination as he leaps up to the crow’s nest. He smacks patches out of the way as Breadbeard grabs the telescope as it is spinning in mid air, whilst this is happening patches has fallen to the ship’s deck below.
Breadbeard peers down the telescope. We see a 1st person view of the telescope focusing in on the box of ‘Petey’s Golden Treasure Breakfast Cereal’.
Breadbeard looks excited. He then jumps from the crow’s nest and stands proudly with his hands on his hips.
BREADBEARD
Mr Walker put down that zucchini! Patches set the sail!
Patches salutes gleefully.
PATCHES
Aye, aye Capn’!
A close up shot of the sail setting, we see the design of a skull with a pint of beer saying “GOT GROG?”
Breadbeard stands proudly at the front of the ship with his sword pointed forwards.
BREADBEARD
Yargh boys! Getting ready for our greatest adventure yet! FORWAAARD!!!
Quick cut to a long shot of the ship struggling to move whilst being paddled by ores.
Medium shot of Breadbeard looking agitated.
BREADBEARD
Mr Walker did ya think about maybe using…the thrusters?
Walker leaning on the back of the ship looking rather bored.
WALKER
Uhhh…(sigh)
Walker pulls out his handgun and fires.
The bullet hits the fire extinguishers attached to the back of the ship. The ship then blasts forwards.
The crew grabs the nearest object to them to stop themselves from falling over.
The boat swings round the corner and begins to speed down the next aisle.
Patches holding onto the mast of the ship points forward.
PATCHES
Capn’ it’s Craig from dairy!
The camera zooms towards Craig who is working next to the shelves.
BREADBEARD
Craig move ya arse!
Craig jumps out of the way just in time as the boat speeds past him.
WALKER
Captain, I believe we are approaching the target.
Breadbeard smiles in satisfaction.
An old lady begins to shuffle into the way of the ship.
Patches spots her.
PATCHES
Capn’ Senior Citizen dead ahead!
Breadbeard forces his way into the shot and grabs Patches by the face.
BREADBEARD
Fire!
Walker fires the canon. The cannonball knocks the old lady into a shelf.
The ropes break and the trolleys come lose from the bottom of the boat. The ship comes lose and falls to the ground. Grinding across the floor.
The boat eventually comes to a halt and taps into a shelf.
The crew emerge looking dizzy. Cut to a shot of ‘Petey’s Golden Treasure’ on the shelf. Breadbeard is overjoyed. An angelic glow surrounds the cereal. Breadbeard stretches his arms out. His fingers are quivering, as he is about to touch the cereal.
Walker taps Breadbeard on the shoulder.
WALKER
Urr. Captain Breadbeard?
BREADBEARD
What Walker?
The camera then zooms out to reveal the boat surrounded by security guards.
Cuts to black.
BREADBEARD
Oooooh. Bollocks.
Fire!
Walker fires the canon. The cannonball knocks the old lady into a shelf.
The ropes break and the trolleys come lose from the bottom of the boat. The ship comes lose and falls to the ground. Grinding across the floor.
The boat eventually comes to a halt and taps into a shelf.
The crew emerge looking dizzy. Cut to a shot of ‘Petey’s Golden Treasure’ on the shelf. Breadbeard is overjoyed. An angelic glow surrounds the cereal. Breadbeard stretches his arms out. His fingers are quivering, as he is about to touch the cereal.
Walker taps Breadbeard on the shoulder.
WALKER
Urr. Captain Breadbeard?
BREADBEARD
What Walker?
The camera then zooms out to reveal the boat surrounded by security guards.
Cuts to black.
BREADBEARD
Oooooh. Bollocks.
I believe the last scene of the security workers could be mixed with the police. Imagine the humourous possibilities THEN
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